Finding Satiblity
by hayyleeredding
Summary: I whispered "I'm afraid of falling". I felt him smile against me and hold my hand tighter "I'll catch you". Beauty is a curse on the world. It keeps us from knowing who the real monsters are. Who's the real monster? - If you an E?O fanfic reader please read and comment ! Thanks


"What'd we got" I asked the responding police confidently walking next to Elliot. "A young female was found dead and raped in this company building dumpster by a bum" the young deputy said as we approached the giant green trash can. I pulled on my familiar latex gloves and opened it. Elliot and I both made a face of disgust as the smell of a dead body crammed its way into both our noses. "You know Liv I'm going to go question that um bum" Elliot said as he started in the elderly man's way. I tried reaching in to retrieve the girl's purse right next to her but she was too deep. I un- eagerly made my way into the dumpster. I got the girls purse and pulled it out but it was empty.  
I quickly climbed out and made my way to Elliot. "Well our bum seems pretty clueless. He said he was following his usual routine when he found her" he said when he finally reached her. "Well he must have been pretty spooked because he left behind a Kate Spade purse which I'm pretty positive is our Jane Does but is empty" I said putting the purse in the giant plastic bag. "So she has no ID" Elliot asked just to confirm. "Maybe Warner can tell us who she is" I said handing the bag to CSU.  
"Hey do you want to go out for some coffee" Elliot asked before I had the chance to walk away. Honestly I had been having these vivid dreams of Elliot lately that made me scared to sleep. Not at all because they were bad but solely because they were good. "I'm um sorry I have plans sorry maybe next time tomorrow maybe" I said knowing tomorrow would be out of the question too. "Yeah no it's fine I probably have to get home to Kathy anyways" he said. That was always a stinger. He goes home to Kathy every night and I mean I want to go home to somebody but I know that that somebody already has somebody to go home to.  
I drove back to the present alone so I could just drop off my stuff and leave. I walked to my apartment, again stopping to screw the light bulb like I do every day, and open the door to the lonely stale air that I had been untouched by anyone in about a day or so. I picked up my house and I was going to call and order some pizza but I wasn't hungry I was at been sick to my stomach lately. I was hoping it was onto some façade that was going on that I was fooling myself that I could ever be with somebody like that but I was guessing it wasn't because it had taken a mental and physical toll on me lately and just wishing it away and talking to them the next day wasn't helping. I walked to my medicine cabinet to grab some medicine to try and ease my pounding headache. Medicine will make a headache go away but not the thoughts. I tried my hardest not to fall asleep laying on the couch I passed out pretty quick.

It has been a long pandemoniac day but slowed down towards the afternoon. It was just Elliot and I closing up the precinct because of the slow night. I was walking to the door side by side with El when I hip bumped him to lighten the mood. He turned to me "Liv" he said resting his hands gingerly on my hips and pulling my waist towards him. He didn't even really have to pull because in that moment gravity didn't exist. "El" I whispered "what are you d-" and before I could finish his lips crashed into mine causing me to finally shut up. My whole body was warm and numb and I couldn't help myself even though I knew it was wrong. Our lips crashed in this perfect chaos.  
It was soft but lustful all at the same time. He had no idea how many times I imagined what kissing him would be like. I tried my hardest to pull away but we were like two magnets. Opposites really do attract. "El" I said catching my breath "what about Kathy"? He loosened his grip and stepped back. "You're right it was wrong of me to do that" he said staring into my eyes with his piercing blue ones. "El" I said putting my hand on his shoulder. He pulled away and walked towards the door.  
I stood there rooted to the ground by shock. How could he just kiss me and walk away? My body was now cold and my ears were ringing.  
I woke up. Why the hell had I dreamt of that? That could never happen. I rolled over to silence my screaming phone and the cold air rushed into my blanket and reminded me chillingly of the feeling in my dream but that was all it was. It was only a dream. I threw on my clothes and walked out my front door smiling as the warm sun rays hit my face. Summer was kissing me and the New York pavement. I walked into the coffee shop and ordered Elliot and I's coffee.  
I walked into the precinct and the smell of coffee and dusty files was laced through the air. I saw Elliot and the flashes of my dream came spiraling back. It made my stomach lurch. All of a sudden everyone was staring at me and Finn was rushing over with Elliot by his side. "Liv are you okay" Elliot ask picking the coffee cups off the floor as Finn mopped it up with paper towels Munch brought him. "Yeah I'm fine" I said flinching or way from Elliot's touch and walking to the bunk room to clean off my pants. I got to the door when I heard footsteps behind me. I spent around to be face-to-face with Elliot. "Why are you following me El" I asked half wanting to know half not.  
"Because something has changed in you towards me. You're distant. Cold. I don't know what I've done, but I'll leave you alone from now on, if that's what you want. Is that what you want? Do you know why I'd leave you alone? Because I care about your feelings more than mine. I love you. There. I said it. And not just on some chalkboard. I would never let anyone or anything hurt you. I've never felt that way about anyone. Not even Kathy. And Olivia I know what you're gonna-" he said as I cut him off.  
"El I-I love you too, but you know why I am the way I am, I'm comfortable single I'm comfortable alone" I said looking down. "Olivia it doesn't have to be that way I can I can change that I want to change that" he said reaching for my hands.  
"El nothing last forever. Forever's just a lie. All we have is what's between hello and goodbye. We need to keep it that way" I said collapsing into him and wrapping my arms around him. I whispered "I'm afraid of falling". He felt him smile against me and hold my hand tighter "I'll catch you". "I'm sorry El but we just can't do it I just you have Kathy and your kids and I have myself" I said sitting up and looking him in the eyes "I'm sorry".  
I let go of him and walked into bunk room watching as his face slowly depressed. I just couldn't I just couldn't hurt him I couldn't bring that hurt upon myself either. "How can a person give you so much strength yet be your only weakness" I thought. But deep down it really hurt it hurt badly. It hurt because it mattered. Just as I shut the door I heard it open. "I just wanna be with you. That's all. And damn it Liv if you can't get past yourself enough to let me love you than I just give up. I'm done and I'm walking way right now" Elliot said keeping the door from closing.  
"Just like that you would say it was it. You would really be done" I asked my voice wavering. "After 10 years of trying people get tired of it Liv you've got to be more accepting" he said turning away. I grabbed his arm and brought my face so close to his I could smell the pizza on his breath. "Catch me" I whispered into his lips before I kissed him. I let myself plummet into the ecstasy and that's when I felt it. Gravity ceased to exist and my whole body was warm and numb and I couldn't help myself even though I knew it was wrong. We were like magnets again. Our lips gripping together like polar opposites. "And don't ever let go" I said pulling away only for a brief moment. The cold chill that once froze me over was gone and I realized I'd found my stability in Elliot. I pulled away and looked him in the eyes "please don't be someone that hurts me" I said as I started to cry. "I'll be your safe haven" he said pulling me in and caressing me to his shoulder.  
"What the hell are we going to do Elliot? I don't want to hurt Kathy and the kids. I don't want to be the one to do it" I said now sobbing inconsolably. "Liv I'm in your arms more than I am Kathy's she'll understand just let me handle it" he said softly. "Are we really going to do this? Are we really going to risk our jobs at our friendship and your marriage just for us? Just for this" I asked knowing the answer. "Love is a lost thing and if you're lucky enough you'll find it. We've found it and now we need to chase it Liv. We can't let this go" he said holding me tighter "I would capture all the stars, hold every hand, I'd do anything, just to know that I could be with you". We stood there gripping each other like we'd never get the chance touch each other again until he finally said something. "We've just got to be patient" he said breathlessly. "I will wait for you honestly because I don't want anyone else" I breathlessly said back and in the moment we were perfect and we could've just stayed. We were infinite but we had to go. He had to go talk to Kathy and I had to go home and clear my mind.


End file.
